Start Talking
by Isa Redgrave
Summary: When Cloud, in a middle of a depressive dip attempts to take his life, Reno is heartbroken and confused. Thankfully he is in time to save Cloud and now several weeks later he demands an explanation, though it soon becomes clear that Cloud is not the only one who needs to start talking.


Warnings: Implied suicide attempt, implied Reno/Cloud and implied suicidal thoughts. So this is dark but fluffy, so please enjoy. Fixed the errors.

~~~~Linebreak~~~~

"Start talking!" demanded the distraught Red-head "Damn it! Explain already!"

I stand infront of the crying man, intent upon not meeting his sea-green eyes. I hate seeing Reno cry, I hate being the cause of his pain yet I remain stubbornly silent, hurting him even more. "You promised me! You swore you'd never leave me. You swore!" He cried, voice breaking with the strength of his anguish "Damn it Blondie! Look at you!"

I refused to acknowledge him, if I didn't look, I wouldn't see the disgusting mess that I was. I just couldn't. "Oh why can't you see! You're killing me too!" I freeze at his words, 'No! That's not right!' I scream inside my mind, I'm not! I'd never do that to him. Not brave beautiful Red. 'Never, ever, ever!' "Why can't you see?" I reply, voice dry...croaky from the medication and thirst "Why can't you see?" I repeat monotonously "You're prefect, so beautiful, light and warmth. Like a flame, fiery and fierce" I murmur, meeting his eyes for the first time in days. "I'm wrong. Broken. Not like you Reno, never like you"

"I can't lose you, I just can't" he whispers, "you're too caught up in your own mind to remember that I love you. I love you so much" he frowns "I'll prove it to, that I love you, if you just let me in!" I can hear the frustration and underlying fear in his voice. "Tell me please. I won't be angry. I swear. Just tell me why you did it, you owe me that much at least"

I sigh...he's right, I'd sworn I wouldn't leave him, I'd promised him the world, sworn to protect, love and cherish him. I'd taken everything he had, all the light and warmth, taken everything and I gave him nothing in return, nothing except hollow words and broken promises. I owed him so much; my love, my life...so much. He deserved better than me.

"Please" he whispers, heartbroken and weary as I turn away and walk over to the single bed, I sit down, back against the headboard, my knees drawn to my chest. "Please talk to me"

"Kay, Red" I pause gathering my errant thoughts, it was hard to sort the mess in my head even before the medication. Red climbs up onto the bed, sitting cross-legged infront of me "I...I'm...I'm broken Red. I tried to do the right thing. To do right by you, by Tifa but...it hurts. It hurts so damn much, I can hardly breathe" I babble, the rush of words makes no sense to me, just meaningless noise to explain something I could never voice "After Zack died...after I failed Aerith. It just hurts to live" And then I'm crying. Sobbing my heart out, enshrouded by Reno as he pulls me close. I cling desperately to him, my hands clenched tight in the dark material of his blazer "I'm so sorry, so, so sorry! I-I I'm so. Oh Reno!"

I know by now my eyes are swollen a puffy kind of red, but I just can't stop the tears. I've been crying so hard that I didn't notice the soft soothing noises that Reno was making, nor the slow rocking movements. At some point he must have pulled me onto his lap because he's cradling me like I'm something precious. I disentangle myself enough to twist round and face him. "I hate myself. I hate my weakness, I hate that I can't stop hurting; you or myself. Red, I'm so tired of trying. I just...I just can't do it anymore" I'm staring into his eyes watching the flickers of emotion within them; hurt, pain, love, fear, forgiveness and anger.

Reno's never more beautiful than when he's angry, the flush that stains his cheeks a pretty pale pink, fiery red hair that shines so brightly in the harsh electric light, flickering like a flame every time he moved...oh, and his eyes, the fire and passion, the life that burns in then...furious and wild like a summer storm.

"Don't you see Blondie?" he murmurs "that Zack never blamed you, neither did Aerith, they never will. It hurts to know that you blame yourself that you think you're worthless because I as sure as hell know you're not worthless! Don't you believe me?"

"I'm no-" he holds up a hand to silence me "I wasn't finished he growls "Did you ever stop to think about Tifa? About the kids? Hell, Denzel sees you as his daddy, he adores you! Don't tell me that it means nothing to you, that you mean nothing to them, to me! Damn it Blondie! You saved the damn world twice!" he trails off, panting harshly as tears trickled down his cheeks "You mean so much to me, what I feel for you is beyond words, Blondie...Cloud, please...oh Gaia, do you know how scared I was when I found you? Cloud...It was like my heart had been ripped out, I thought you were dead, there was so much blood," he looked away and wiped his eyes, "I can't do this without you, Cloud, I can't. I won't. I wish I could make you see, I wish..."

"I didn't know" I whisper, he looks back at me with a heartbreakingly beautiful smile "I know Cloud, how could you? I didn't tell you, perhaps I should've of...I just...I didn't think you needed me to tell you, but I'm telling you now Cloud. I need you, I...I love you so much and I need you to be ok"

"I...I love you too, but why? Why do you need me to be ok? I don't understand" I admit, it doesn't make sense to me, why would Reno need me to be ok? He's always seemed so strong, so cock-sure and arrogant, I never knew he felt this way, I had thought I was nothing to him.

"Did you honestly believe you were the only one that failed Zack? Or Aerith? I was so damn close, if I had been just a little faster, a little braver, a little better, I could've saved him, we saw it all, hell, if only we'd been brave enough too...Zack was a hero. He didn't deserve what happened to him, but neither did you! Cloud...compared to me, you're a saint, remember when I dropped the plate? All those poor innocent people, did you know I still have nightmares? That I can't bare to look myself in the mirror knowing that I'm stained by the blood of the innocent? You asked why, well I'll tell you. I need you to be ok, because without you I'm not ok, I can't be ok without you. That's why Cloud. I need you because you're everything me. You're my light, you're my reason for living, for waking up in the morning, the reason I haven't put a bullet through my head, so please...please be ok Cloud"

He falls silent, the enormity of what he said, of what he meant leaves me shocked and breathless, "I...Reno...I really mean that much to you?" I ask, he nods, "I didn't know! Why...why didn't you tell me before? Reno...oh Reno I'm so sorry, you...you have no idea how much you mean to me, if I had known, if I hadn't been so blind, oh God, w-what have I done? Oh God..." I'm mumbling to myself, my hands are tightly-fisted in my hair "Oh God, I'm sorry"

Reno shifts slightly, "let go Cloud, you're gonna hurt yourself" he says as he lays his hand over mine urging me to release my hair "C'mon Blondie, let go" he gives me a small smile in return as I comply, "don't do that Cloud, you don't need to" he says quietly, "promise me you won't hurt yourself anymore, please?"

"I'll try," I meet his gaze squarely with my own "It's the best I can do, I know you want more, but this...I can't control how I feel but I do promise to try" I say just as quietly, I hope Reno can hear the sincerity in my voice because I am telling him the truth, I can't promise that I won't, that I won't try to do this again, but I think Reno understands because he smiles again and plants a soft chaste kiss upon my lips. "That's all I want Cloud," he sighs "I know it'll take time but that's ok, because we'll do this together"

"Together" I repeat, finally giving Reno a small crooked smile. "Together" Reno says, placing another chaste kiss on lips "You're not alone Cloud"

"I know"

~~~~TheEnd~~~~

Authors note:

Usually my notes are at the beginning but this time I felt the right place for this note was at the end. So I guess I should explain a little about this story, huh? Well essentially I wrote this for a story competition that I never entered, it doesn't matter though. I suppose you can guess that this is about depression and the way it can make you feel, I know it's not exactly an indepth explanation but it's not supposed to be, as it was I was in a very dark place when I wrote this and a lot of what both Reno and Cloud say and feel is genuinely what depression can do to someone. For those that have never suffered from depression (and I hope to god, that you guys won't) will never understand how 'together' can make such a huge difference so the end of this is not as sappy nor cheesy as it appears.

So thanks for reading and I hope that somewhere, someone will see this and know that they are not alone.


End file.
